Posts Tagged ‘satire’

And you too shall know the crushing weight of hyperbole and fear

I think tomorrow’s commute will involve me setting my car on fire,driving it 200mph, and then jumping over the county line.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAW!

All while texting from my phone, of course.

Now why would I do something so totally awesome and fun sounding you may ask?

Because of this article A stop-and-go future for traffic tickets?

It warns that if the state budget for courts is cut by $6 million, as Gov. Tim Pawlenty proposes, courts would very likely be unable to prosecute parking and traffic offenses, which last year generated more than $16 million in revenue for Hennepin County cities.

That’s right, no traffic tix enforcement, but it get’s worse.

“We are hoping the Legislature and governor understand that justice needs funding,” said Minnetonka City Attorney Desyl Peterson. “If people knew the police officers were issuing speeding tickets but there were no consequences, there would be rampant lawlessness.”

That’s right, rampant lawlessness! Doesn’t the thought of no more speeding tickets just make you want to hold up a liquor store while wearing a lawless carrot costume?

All kidding aside, here’s my favorite part of the article: “In Minneapolis alone, the fines brought in more than $8 million to pay police salaries during 2008” and “Startled by the potential lost revenue, some cities, including Minneapolis…”

Hmm, kind of makes you wonder about the quota system the police always deny exists in any way, shape, or form.

Doesn’t it?

What kind of rampant lawlessness will you create when speeding and parking tickets are no longer enforced?

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A shameful confession and a new hope.

I really hate to admit this, but there’s something about getting it all out there in public that makes things better so here goes; my baby likes Garrison Keillor.

I don’t know how it happened. I mean, her taste in music is fabulous. When it comes to dance party (#danceparty) she loves to rock out to to the likes of Franti and Heiruspecs and enjoys genres from rock to raggae.

Yet, time and time again when she’s heard Mr.Keillor (through no fault of my own) she settles down and seems pleased as punch. Heck, half the time she’s found him so relaxing she’s fallen asleep.

Yes, Dear Internets, my baby seems to like Mr.Wobegon and I can’t deny it.

Yet, if only she could read she may change her mind. In his latest diatribe, Garrison Keillor: Don’t yearn for the bright lights, Garrison has the guts and fortitude to take on television. What a bold strike at the heart of criminals and slack jaws!

My favorite sentence comes soon,fast, and hard as the kettle meets the pot in what I can only call dramatic irony.

When you look at the audience numbers for TV and then add up the incarcerated felons, Alzheimer’s patients and confirmed barflies in America, it dawns on you who is watching TV these days — people unable to lead normal productive lives — and yet they give out awards for this stuff and the hosts of shows are driven to and fro in Lincoln Town Cars and they suffer from toxic self-esteem.

Wow.   A 70 word sentence? Toxic self-esteem indeed.

Sadly, comments have been turned off. *edit comments are again working

I guess,according to Garrison, there is still hope if your into “tango, or playing drop-thumb banjo, or digging up ancient cities, or writing sonnets, you are beautiful”. You can bet he goes on to quote some of his sonnets.  

Well you, Mr. Garrison Keillor, are a beautiful man. Or at the very least, you seem to think so and you do have a knack for putting my baby to sleep.

Thanks for the heads up on that t.v. stuff. Now I can be proactive and prevent the likes of Fred Rogers, Sesame Street, and Builder Bob from turning her into the “bedridden, the delusional and the criminal”.

She already seems to like you I find that troubling enough.

 

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Minnesota Gets A New Giant Pumpkin Record (and all we get is this lousy pseudo religion)

It’s a giant pumpkin. And when I say giant I mean so-giant-that-it’s-bordering-on-getting-a-new-religion kind of giant, like John Lennon. Or Lenin. Or Linen. Seriously, who hasn’t prayed for 1200 thread count sheets at some point or another? I digress.

As the Strib reports in In search of the Giant Pumpkin, a state record emerges

A science teacher from New London shattered the Minnesota record for giant pumpkins on Saturday. It registered a whopping 1,427.5 pounds at the 4th annual Giant Pumpkin Weigh-Off in downtown Stillwater. 

I, for one, welcome our new Great Pumpkin overlords. Matter of fact, I take partial responsibility. I like to believe the pumpkins I grow contribute energy to the spiritual harmonics of these peaceful squash. Metaphysical,I tell you.

Well, metaphysical, and a whole lot of fertilizer.

The stuff I use is organic.

Now I can’t decide whether I should post pictures of my personal pumpkin patch, make a video, or build an alter.

I mean, Did you see the size of that thing?

Big congratulations to Chad Reivier of Spicer, MN. I hope you like pie.

Minnesota is full of werewolves?

How do I know?

The Star Tribune said so with a stunningly brilliant piece of thought by Thomas M. Greaney: We’re far too easy on drugs and drinking .

 Mr. Greaney says ‘Don’t be fooled. There is no silver bullet for the addiction issues we face. It will take education and nationwide zero-tolerance laws ‘

Or, you know, a silver bullet.

That’s right. Zero tolerance.  

You let your teen have a sip of wine? Silver Bullet.
Your kid was caught smoking? Silver bullet.
Your 20 year old has a beer at the lake? Silver bullet.

Hey, not just for the kid, for you too.

Disagree? Silver bullet.

We need zero tolerance. I mean, heck, zero tolerance has been an amazing success so far. It’s time we  take it to the next level and find Mr. Greaney’s silver bullet because that combined with zero tolerance is the only thing that can save society from the lycanthropic ways of the intolerable werewolf.

So which zero tolerance laws do you think Minnesota should pass that allows the state to justify this silver bullet policy?

Me? I think we already have the laws. With about 1 in 38 American adults jailed, if you’re not already in prison, maybe you should beg Thomas M. Greaney for your silver bullet.

Our local paper thinks it’s best that way.

  

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