This is not an ad for Copeland’s or Jack Brass. Just thought some of you would like a NOLA celebration.

That’s why we all owe it to ourselves to get out of the house once in a while and do our business in one of the thousands of diverse public restrooms here in Minneapolis. The selection runs the gamut from loos too plush to sully with human waste, to latrines so repugnant as to make you re-evaluate the urgency of your need.

The following entry is page one in the first ever (to my knowledge) public restroom guide for this city. It’s written by a man, so it only rates men’s rooms. Nevertheless, both men and women are encouraged to read on. In most cases, the state of any given ladies’ room should parallel that of its corresponding men’s room. However, if anything you read is inconsistent with your Minneapolis restroom experience, please, men and women alike, send your comments. Together, we can create a public john directory that is the envy of modernly plumbed cities everywhere.

Let us begin at the top, a five star Minneapolis commode…

The Oceanaire Seafood Room

What started out as the finest seafood restaurant in Minneapolis and then became a chain with locations throughout the U.S. is still today the finest seafood restaurant in the city. It absolutely shatters the notion that you have to be on a coast to enjoy quality seafood. The atmosphere is warmly elegant and the service is nothing short of astounding. But, if you live in the Twin Cities, you’ve probably already heard this. What you might not have heard, however, is that this 1930’s style, first class restaurant and bar provides facilities to match. Somehow, it’s just a little easier to pay the bill (this place ain’t cheap) when you get a fresh, real hand towel every time you wash your hands. What’s even better is that, unlike some other restrooms of its caliber, there’s no bathroom attendant! This says the Oceanaire respects you and trusts you to help yourself to these fine whites without stealing them to sell on ebay in order to offset the high cost of your evening out.

This restaurant would do well to add a couple tables to their underutilized restroom spaces. Diners could do much worse than a table for two in the Oceanaire bathroom. The atmosphere would be more conducive to dining than the dining spaces of many other restaurants and those of most people’s homes. Are you hearing this, Oceanaire Seafood Room? This old romantic is ready to make his Valentine’s Day reservation.

Wilde Roast, which is located where Central Avenue meets East Hennepin north of the river, is billed as a neighborhood coffee shop serving the Old St. Anthony/Near Northeast area, and its name is a tribute to Oscar Wilde, of all random ideas. And yes, the menu is packed with cutely named dishes taken from the author’s books, plays, and notorious personal life. But the Victorian influence never overwhelms the place, and the overall atmosphere reminds me of a more laid-back version of St. Paul’s Cafe Latte. According to the Wilde Roast web site, it aims to be “a comfortable place you can come alone or with friends to enjoy a latte or glass of wine by our 1900’s fireplace on a Chesterfield couch.” It is exactly that, and the moment I walked in, my first thought was that it will be even better in winter, as a warm and cozy respite from the freezing cold and howling Minneapolis winds.

And before I forget - the food is simple, original, and excellent. The barbecued pork sandwich is surprisingly light, with apples and champagne-soaked raisins subtly mixed in. The portions are coffeehouse-sized (meaning significantly smaller than the insanely overflowing plates you get at most restaurants) yet plenty big to fill you up. Most sandwiches on the menu come not with the usual choice of fries or chips, but with a small pile of Gardetto’s-style snack mix, which would seem tacky at another restaurant, but only adds to the charm here. Oh, and the coffee drinks are expertly made (meaning that your mocha will not arrive with a wad of chocolate settled on the bottom of the glass, or with a mountain of canned whipped topping attempting to compensate for the lack of barista skill) and delicious. Basically, the whole place manages to be exactly what it sets out to be: relaxed but efficient, elegant yet casual, and possessed of a distinctive neighborhood feel. I believe I have a new favorite haunt.

The alternative is an interesting one: the folks behind St. Paul’s Ordway Center for the Performing Arts would like to take over the three Minneapolis venues, and run them, along with Ordway, as a huge local theatre conglomerate focusing on touring shows. As I see it, this poses a difficult problem for the Minneapolis pols - I’m assuming that no one on the city council really wants Clear Channel, which already controls most of our local radio stations and is dedicated to the premise that bland = profit, booking our theatres, but at the same time, the Ordway is in direct competition with the Hennepin venues for touring shows, and there’s at least a chance that an Ordway-based board would choose to put all the top-drawing shows in its flagship theatre, leaving Hennepin Avenue as something of a B-grade theatre ghetto.

The Ordway is stressing that its proposal would provide true local management of the Twin Cities’ most prominent theatres, which has got to be attractive to the left-leaning Minneapolis council. On the other hand, the Historic Theatre Trust has been downplaying Clear Channel’s role in their organization, and rightly stressing that it is the HTT which has been so crucial in the revival of a stretch of downtown that was a decided embarrassment only a decade ago. On a practical level, a Clear Channel-backed HTT would clearly not ever be in danger of defaulting on lease payments to the city (while the Ordway has frequently run in the red since its inception), and though it’s true that corporate consolidation of the Clear Channel variety has been systematically turning theatre to crap over the last few years, it’s also a fact that the company happens to have control of many top touring acts and shows, which might become unavailable to a venue which deliberately snubbed the corporate parent.

I’m not saying that the city council ought to knuckle under to such implied blackmail, you understand. To be honest, I have no idea which way I’d swing if I had a vote in the process. My heart says that Ordway would likely be a better protector of our local interests, but my head says that this probably isn’t the right time and place to be taking a stand on principle with a newly rejuvenated theatre district hanging in the balance. In any case, our councilmembers ought to get a chance to hear from the public on this issue - click here to give ‘em a piece of your mind.

LATE UPDATE, 11/20/04: Apparently, city council decided they didn’t need more time to think about it after all. Voting over the objection of Council President Paul Ostrow, the council voted 7-4 on Friday to continue negotiations on the theatre leases exclusively with the HTT/Clear Channel group, effectively ending the Ordway’s takeover bid. I’m not sure this is necessarily a bad decision, since the Ordway’s pitch may have involved a fairly large civic leap of faith, but I’m fairly certain that letting Clear Channel run the show won’t mean good things for fans of serious theatre in the Twin Cities.

“In most places, people are clamoring for flu shots - waiting in lines, calling every clinic in town, even going to Canada. But in Minnesota, the opposite problem has emerged: even people considered most vulnerable are forgoing the shots so there will be enough left for others. This puzzling reaction has left state health officials charmed, but also urging an estimated 1.6 million high-risk residents to be vaccinated.”

The article goes on to quote a sweet 88-year-old lady from Inver Grove Heights named Ann Thiel as saying that too much money gets spent on people her age at the expense of younger folk, and that “I’ve had more than my share of good luck.” Ann, I think I speak for all us young ‘uns when I say, we appreciate your gesture, but honestly, go get your shot. We’re doin’ fine…

This is all by way of noting that the CTC is bringing Frog & Toad back home to Minneapolis this month, with performances alternated between a local cast and the more high-profile bunch that made up the New York cast. (That second group, by the way, includes Mark Linn-Baker, who others in my general age group may remember as the hapless Cousin Larry from Perfect Strangers. Then again, maybe I’m the only one who stores useless ’80s sitcom information in my head, and no one else remembers Balki anymore. Sigh.) Even if you don’t have kids (I don’t), this is a terrific show, well worth your time and money. Previews start November 16, and the show runs through January 7.