March: Abstinence Month
I officially declare March ABSTINENCE MONTH. Now I know cooped up Minnesotans with Cabin Fever will have a difficult time with that campaign, but there is a very good reason for it, by preventing copulation during march no other children will have to suffer the consequences of having Christmas/holiday birthdays. As someone with a birthday two days before Christmas I know whereof I speak.
Everyone thinks you have such a memorable birthday when you are born around the holidays, but it is quite the contrary, it usually happens much like a scene from “Sixteen Candles” where so much is happening with the holidays your birthday is lost in the shuffle. As a child my mother did her very best to ensure a separate birthday for me but so many friends were already gone for holiday break I was lucky to get much of a party at all, especially as one of my best friends had a birthday just two days before mine. No one is ever available to spend time on my birthday as they are either out of town, with family or stone cold broke from the holidays.
Then there are the presents. As you get older you begin to adjust and deal with what is in reality a rip off, but as a child, you look forward to your birthday presents so when you get the infamous “joint” present, the Birthday/Christmas present, it is heartbreaking. And really, everyone is so broke from Christmas you inevitably get shafted for your Birthday. My sisters even went so far one year as to give me a skirt for my birthday and a jacket for Christmas, it was a suit purchased as one! As an older and wiser adult, what a gift costs really doesn’t matter but so often birthdays are lost in the shuffle and discarded in holiday stress of friends and family members that there isn’t even any thought given to birthday presents either and without anyone being able to spend time with you either it is as if your birthday doesn’t really exist at all. Now as an aging woman, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but when I was younger, it was much harder to accept.
Then there is another problem with having a holiday birthday: when you really want to have decorations or cake in any kind of theme and you end up with everything in red or green and all your presents are in wrapped in Christmas paper and you always have a Christmas tree in all your birthday pictures. Not always what you want as a child.
So I hereby declare March abstinence month to save all the children who would otherwise be born anytime from just after Thanksgiving to just after New Year’s Day. I know it will be springtime and you will be antsy but if you can’t be Abstinent, then at least practice the most safe sex possible. Do it for the kids people, one month, that’s all it takes to save a child from a lifetime of misery.
If you happen to know someone with a birthday around the holidays here are some helpful hints:
- Never tack a birthday message on a Christmas card, send a separate Birthday card instead
- Never wrap a birthday present in Christmas/holiday themed paper or bags, always use birthday theme or other paper or wrapping, or better yet, use something reusable instead of wrapping.
- Never give a Birthday/Christmas present or say this present is for your Birthday & Christmas, always give two distinct presents (and separating one present into two doesn’t count.) It is the thought that counts so cost isn’t an issue but put time and thought into selecting two separate gifts.
- If you have a party make sure there is a Birthday cake that has nothing Christmas on it whatsoever & decorations are birthday appropriate.
- Do your best to spend time with your friend who has a Christmas birthday or arrange a party for your child as close to their birthday as possible, they will appreciate it
- Celebrate a half-birthday, after having everything happen all at once in a span of days, to have something to celebrate in the summertime would be most appreciated.