For the tiny or non-existent sliver of the Metroblogging audience that hasn’t yet been to a Minnesota RollerGirls event: whatever positive hype you’ve heard is entirely true. Holy. Hell. The ladies bring the fun / drama / excitement. It probably doesn’t hurt to sit in the first row, where the fun / drama / excitement goes from “vicarious” to “if I don’t move fast enough, the laws of inertia are going to bring 120 pounds of skating woman into contact with my face in a manner that is way, way faster and harder than is desirable.”

The favorites won (the Garda Belts over the Dagger Dolls, and the Atomic Bombshells over the Rockits for the championship), but the drama felt true blue as the ladies skated all-out and the occasional mini-scuffle erupted, delighting fans and players alike.

Halftime? Half an hour of feel-good polka music by Alpenrose. Exactly the right fit for the crowd and event. And while misguided covers (Jimmy Buffet? Seriously?) may have been a little too plentiful, the rendition of Tequila on the alphorn more than made up for it.

Alphorns are awesome.

All that goodness aside, this wouldn’t really be blogging if there wasn’t an evisceration of the crap. So here it comes.

1. Terrible beer. Holy crap was the beer at the Roy Wilkins Auditorium — unless I missed a hidden Summit or Bell’s station somewhere — absolutely undrinkable. Miller Golden Light and PBR? I would have killed for a Premium and committed unspeakable atrocities for a Bell’s Two Hearted.

Not only is roller derby exactly the sort of sport that calls for good beer, the event explicitly mentions the stuff (”don’t spill your beer!” “raise your beer!” “Wet Spot is mopping up that spilled beer!”) constantly, as though it’s an important part of fan enjoyment. And it might very well BE an important part of fan enjoyment if it wasn’t for the piss-poor domestic macro brews.

That said, it’s entirely possible that for liability purposes, a drunk crowd would be a bad idea… and the only way to serve beer and avoid a drunk crowd is to serve Miller Golden Light and PBR, whose lack of flavor and .002 ABV keep everyone sober as Walter Mondale. But still.

2. Worse announcing. Both times a skater got hurt, the announcers immediately went into “man, these girls just love to get hurt!” mode. Easy for you to say, you douchebag; you’re not bleeding from the face or lying prone and immobile on the hard track. And while getting particular sections to cheer for a downed skater might seem like a fun and positive way to get the crowd involved, maybe — just maybe — the thing to do is announce that a skater’s down, the EMTs are on the way, and we hope everything will be fine. Followed by a relieved “she’s up and walking off the track, how about a round of applause?” kind of thing after she is, in fact, up and walking off the track.

This doesn’t even get into the constant stream of bad, tedious unfunniness and — far more seriously — lack of any helpful clarification about on-track action. There were several times, particularly during the championship bout, where a bunched up pile of skaters clearly did something signficant… and neither me nor the announcers had any idea what it was.

As it stands, both announcers had personas similar to Fred Willard in Best in Show; subbing in one relatively quiet guy — preferably with a mordant wit — who actually knows the sport would improve things dramatically.

3. Indifferent music. Can you think of anything easier to program than a roller derby tournament? Select tracks that are fast, loud, high-energy, alternating appropriately between bad-ass and explosively fun. Instead, a good 50-60 percent of the music played was muddy techno/industrial (and I like techno/industrial, for the record) or monotonous grindcore. Boo.

And finally, on an up note, Marilyn Monrogue, if you’re reading this: God. Damn. You’ve hip-checked your way into my heart.

Related posts:

1. Minnesota Rollergirls Seaon Opener This Weekend!
2. Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Roller Derby : The Minnesota RollerGirls
3. We’re #2!
4. Big 10 Football: Trying to Have Some Perspective
5. Mmm… beer…. :9