Nature’s call in the comfort of your own home is not a topic worthy of much discussion. It’s predictable, safe, a nonevent for most folks. The thrill of one’s own throne inevitably wears off after a few hundred flushes.

That’s why we all owe it to ourselves to get out of the house once in a while and do our business in one of the thousands of diverse public restrooms here in Minneapolis. The selection runs the gamut from loos too plush to sully with human waste, to latrines so repugnant as to make you re-evaluate the urgency of your need.

The following entry is page one in the first ever (to my knowledge) public restroom guide for this city. It’s written by a man, so it only rates men’s rooms. Nevertheless, both men and women are encouraged to read on. In most cases, the state of any given ladies’ room should parallel that of its corresponding men’s room. However, if anything you read is inconsistent with your Minneapolis restroom experience, please, men and women alike, send your comments. Together, we can create a public john directory that is the envy of modernly plumbed cities everywhere.

Let us begin at the top, a five star Minneapolis commode…

The Oceanaire Seafood Room

What started out as the finest seafood restaurant in Minneapolis and then became a chain with locations throughout the U.S. is still today the finest seafood restaurant in the city. It absolutely shatters the notion that you have to be on a coast to enjoy quality seafood. The atmosphere is warmly elegant and the service is nothing short of astounding. But, if you live in the Twin Cities, you’ve probably already heard this. What you might not have heard, however, is that this 1930’s style, first class restaurant and bar provides facilities to match. Somehow, it’s just a little easier to pay the bill (this place ain’t cheap) when you get a fresh, real hand towel every time you wash your hands. What’s even better is that, unlike some other restrooms of its caliber, there’s no bathroom attendant! This says the Oceanaire respects you and trusts you to help yourself to these fine whites without stealing them to sell on ebay in order to offset the high cost of your evening out.

This restaurant would do well to add a couple tables to their underutilized restroom spaces. Diners could do much worse than a table for two in the Oceanaire bathroom. The atmosphere would be more conducive to dining than the dining spaces of many other restaurants and those of most people’s homes. Are you hearing this, Oceanaire Seafood Room? This old romantic is ready to make his Valentine’s Day reservation.